January 23, 1999 -- "Varsity Blues," is a mystery to me. I went to see this movie Friday night at the Fox and the place was packed, almost a sellout, and it is that way all over the country. What gives? It doesn't seem very entertaining.

Unlike "The Waterboy," which had a certain hick charm, this film is an ugly imitation of good ol' boy football films. It makes "The Waterboy" look slick and sophisticated by comparison. "Varsity Blues" is crude, exploitative and mean-spirited. I guess if you really like making fun of fat people, this film could be fun for you because that is its main running gag. There's also some raunchy strip shows, regurgitation jokes, odor jokes, and the like.

The plot is a pretty standard sports-oriented story, with friction between the free-spirited quarterback Jonathan "Mox" Moxon (James Van Der Beek of "Dawson's Creek") and the sadistic, racist coach Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight of "Heat"). While the story is superficially about the overemphasis on winning in sports, it really doesn't have the guts to challenge that notion. In the end, winning is still what counts, and, of course, it all comes down to the Big Game. If you really want to see how this story should be told, rent "North Dallas Forty."

The film also stars whip cream girl Ali Larter (also a "Dawson's Creek" veteran) as Darcy, Amy Smart ("Starship Troopers") as Julie Harbor, as Mox's love interest, Ron Lester as the ultra heavyweight Billy Bob. The actors aren't bad, but the adults in this film, aside from the coach are portrayed as idiots, but then, the so-called high school student characters (most of whom look like they are in their 20's) aren't too bright, either. This is a film that lacks both a heart and a brain. It should have died before making it to theaters.

The football in the film is brutal. The hits are NFL-level and would kill most scrawny high school players. Bodies fly through the air with total disregard for life and limb. It is scary. Some of the plays seem pretty well staged, however. Some of the jokes actually work, but the drama is very uneven. The soundtrack is annoying. Some blues, or even country western, would have been more appropriate for this part of the country than that junky rock and roll. Director Brian Robbins ("Good Burger") just can't quite bring the elements and themes together. This film rates a C.

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